50 Things I Learned on the Way to 40

...in bed.

…in bed.

Lists are all the rage on the Interwebs right now, so I decided to compile a smattering of things I’ve learned in the last 40 years and then rub my listicle all over you for my birthday. Some of these are hard-learned lessons still reeking of my shame stink, some are things I learned by watching others, some are things I’m still struggling to live by. I’ll let you decide which is which – here’s 40 years of learnin’ in no particular order.

PS – I’m not responsible for the consequences if you fortune cookie the list by adding “…in bed.”

  1. Make sure you have a towel before you get in the shower.
  2. In all things, do your best not to be a douchebag.
  3. Kill them with kindness.
  4. There is no time in this world for being a wallflower and being shy gets you nowhere.
  5. Don’t believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free.
  6. The words “I’m fine” and “maybe” are pretty much never true.
  7. Mend fences with your siblings if you have to, because regret is some heavy shit. Same goes for parents.
  8. Don’t let your ego get in the way of your happiness – there are times when you have to ask yourself “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?”
  9. Always check the drive through bag before you start the car.
  10. The Cake is a Lie and A Cookie is a Sometime Food.
  11. Floss your teeth every day – if you don’t there will be mouth consequences.
  12. Ask for more money than you think you deserve, because you can’t negotiate up.
  13. If you want to get anything pierced, get it done professionally, especially below the neck. Trust me on this.
  14. Try at least two bites of any food that is offered to you (unless it makes you fear for your life), even if you’re 100% sure you won’t like it.
  15. Sympathize and empathize with the people around you, but don’t take on their mood unless it’s an upgrade.
  16. If you’re trying to calculate how many hours of sleep you really NEED before work, it’s time to have the bartender call a cab.
  17. Sometimes it’s OK to be the beta dog, at least until you learn what it takes to be the alpha.
  18. Sometimes the Irish Goodbye is your only option, no matter what Emily Post says.
  19. Don’t act like you’re the most important person in the room, but don’t feel like you’re the least important person either.
  20. Reading is fundamental.
  21. Never wait in line longer than 10 minutes for brunch.
  22. Don’t roll the dice on whether it’s poop or a fart.
  23. If you’re over 21 and someone asks to see your ID, try not to get salty about it.
  24. Learn how to say “That’s just like…your opinion, man,” and mean it.
  25. If you’re trying to choose between driving and walking, walk it.
  26. Keep yourself busy – it’ll help you stay out of trouble.
  27. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to laugh at you.
  28. Listen more than you talk.
  29. The more open your mind is, the less often you’ll be surprised.
  30. You have all the tools you need to be happy; don’t let anyone take them away.
  31. “Pull my finger” is a terrible pickup line.
  32. Always… no, no… never… forget to check your references.
  33. If you don’t ask for it, there’s a good chance you won’t get it.
  34. If you say you’re going to do something, do your dead level best to do it.
  35. There are times to open your mouth, and there are times to put your head down. Figure out which is which.
  36. The only way to win an argument is not to get caught up in it.
  37. There’s a difference between cool and hip, and there’s a difference between funny and clever at someone’s expense. Generally aim for the former.
  38. There are a lot of times when getting the last word is a terrible idea.
  39. If they think you’re crude, go technical; if they think you’re technical, go crude.
  40. If you just met and s/he says it’s cool to not use a condom, it’s pretty definitely not cool to not use a condom.
  41. If you’re managing people, you work for them just as much as they work for you. Your job in a nutshell is to help them be be good at their jobs.
  42. There’s always room for Jello.
  43. When you’re interviewing for a job, you are also interviewing them.
  44. People are trustworthy until proven untrustworthy.
  45. Sometimes the best way to make things less awkward is make things as awkward as they can get.
  46. There’s a non-zero chance that the person you have a crush on also has a crush on you.
  47. Don’t put metal in the science oven.
  48. Nothing in the world looks more ridiculous than a man wearing nothing but a t-shirt, unless it’s a naked man in socks.
  49. No matter how often you think you’re doing 80% of the work in your relationship, your parter/spouse thinks the same thing, just as often.
  50. Giving is way more fun than receiving.
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How to Load a Dishwasher (Instructional Video)

Pretty sure my wife is just one more “I thought you ran the dishwasher” conversation away from making a video like this for me. If this dude makes a “how to pick up clutter” video I’m in trouble.

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My Onion Article Headlines

not-the-onion-logo

I’m bored right now so I decided to try to write some articles to fake articles on The Onion. I have done no vetting to see if they’ve done these stories, nor do I vouch for them not sucking. I don’t plan to write the articles. I don’t think I’m as good as The Onion. Shut up about all that. They’re just the first 10(ish)  ideas I had – excuse me while I expose myself to you on the Internet.

  • Cartoon Fish on the Lookout for Cartoon Sharks
  • Robot Feels Terrible About Taking Your Job
  • Jogging Man Ridiculously Angry at Puddle
  • Teen Can’t Even: “My Parents Are the Literal Worst”
  • Local Bear Just Wants to be Friends, Man
  • Bartender Totally Interested in How Your Day Was
  • Man Daydreams Through Mother-in-Law’s Anecdote – Almost Caught
  • Area Man Doesn’t Believe Candyman Will Appear if You…Fuck, What Was That?
  • Mom Secretly Sad Son’s Pot Roast is Better Than Hers
  • Marketing Assistant Accidentally Un-mutes Conference Call Before Mocking Client
  • Cow Chews Contentedly, Plots Murder
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Bad Lip Reading: Walking Dead

“Sorry dude, when I come back from your place there’s always a little roach in my slenderman undies.” Now all the walkers sing!

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I started this website in 2009 and ran it for 3ish years, and it was pretty awesome. You'll have to take my word for it though, because I lost it all through the magic of forgetting to pay my hosting bill. Onward!