Here’s the transcript for your reading pleasure:

Actually now that I’m reading it, I’m not sure whether to laugh my ass off or fear for my life, but please let me know if you can crack this Da Vinci code…

“I’ve been in the danger zone — yeah! — I’ve been in the danger zone east of the Pacific Ocean, west of London England, south of Mars, and north of Hell! Yeah!” We salute you, Macho Man.

via Wheres Randy Savage? and TV Tropes

I just took down a bunch of shitty old links that were broken and not working anymore. That means if you hit any of our early stories there’s probly broken images, links, whatever. If you gave that much of a shit about them, you should’ve showed up here in 2009 when they were relevant.

My name is Travis Broyles and I will do whatever* you want me to do for less money than whoever you are paying to do it now.

Below is a list of just some of the things I can do. I do want to stress that I DO ANYTHING so email me if your requested service is not listed here.

Things I Will Do For $5:
Stare at you for 5 minutes
Give a hug to the person of your choosing
Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested for 10 minutes
Draw your face on a balloon
Sing Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” from memory to the best of my ability
6 minutes of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $10:
Write your new theme song
Perform your new theme song on your voicemail
Spin until I throw up or you lose interest
Rename your Pokémon
Host a conference call with you and a person that you’ve always thought was cool but never really got the chance to hang out with, you know?
12 minutes of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $50:
Break-up with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Help you quit smoking (I’ll call you every day for a month and yell “HEY DON’T SMOKE”)
Tell the person you like that you think they’re cute and what if you had sex together?
Try my best to fly in a public place for an hour
Make you a really great profile picture
1 hour of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $100:
Tell your kids which one is actually your favorite, and what the others could do to improve their standings
Fight someone much smaller or girl than me
Email you a list of 250 things I like about you (need access to any and all social network accounts)
Clean most of your house and apologize for the things I didn’t
Deliver 5 fully cooked DiGiorno pizzas right to your door (5 mile radius from my home)
2 hours of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $1,000:
Host an event (will not host anything racially insensitive, i.e. human being auction)
Give a PowerPoint presentation on team building to your business and/or extended family
Rename your children
Build you a cardboard car and make vroom-vroom sounds while you drive it
Star treatment for a month (I’ll hide in bushes and take pictures of you)
20 hours of copywriting

Things I Will Do For $100,000:
Yell your name every time I wake up for the rest of my life
Change my political and spiritual leanings
Screen all your phone calls for five years
Recreate the best day of your life (or worst, whatevs)
84 straight days of copywriting *BEST VALUE*

If interested, email me at travis.broyles@gmail.com.

*Prices and tasks are subject to negotiation. I will not murder or steal or perform a legendary murdersteal. No rapes, and the sex has to be unrelated to the payment, like “Oh, after you’re done cutting those trees down, do you want some lemonade?” but the lemonade means sex, mostly.

Can You Really Be a Geek With a Boob Job and a Pr0n Career? Discuss

You probably won’t believe me when I tell you the reason I’m thinking about Asia Carrera right now is because I read about her on Wired (do not ask me about the Google search that took me there, however). According to the poster at Wired, Carrera is a Mensa member and Web developer. As far as I can tell her website looks like it was designed by retarded monkeys with an Angelfire account, but who am I to judge?

While there is a smattering of pr0nography to be found on the site, I maintain the greatest value (though maybe not wankability…is that a word?) is to be found in the FAQ. Feel free to check out Asia’s Site (a lot of it’s NSFW), and I’ll leave you with just a taste (if you’ll excuse the expression) of how awesome the FAQs are.

What’s it like on a porno set?
Very professional. It’s just a job for us, and everyone’s jaded from seeing every possible sex act shot a million different ways, so it’s no big deal. There’s no screwing in the closets, no orgys, nothing like that. The eroticism is lost when they cut because the anal scene was getting messy, the guy’s knees are getting rugburn, the girl just started her period… I’m amazed the male star can keep a hardon with some of the stuff that happens on set!

Powered by Twitter Tools

Powered by Twitter Tools

The mission of the Project is simple – release an album of anti-Rove music, and release it before his book comes out. They’re basically trying to saturate search results and “ruin Karl Rove’s special day.” We can’t think of anything more noble than that. So donate some money, get the record (and digital download) and just generally feel good about yourself. [Kickstarter via Blogspot; thanks for the link, Church]

PS – In other news, I’m only familiar with one of the bands on the comp – The Heavenly States – but I really dig them. Probably because the lead singer introduced me to Tenacious D before they became a one-note joke, and used to let me sleep on his couch. Even if I didn’t hate Rove, I’d cough up the cash just to support them.